Before you go fucking nuts on me i just want to let you know that i’m fine now and i was given help and now everything is normal (I’m just a bit upset about my jaw but other than that i’m fine)

It all started in the 5th grade and at the time i would be 11 years old and what happened was i would act a bit weird and sometimes playful and the teacher would send me to another classroom sometimes just during class and i would go to lunch with my friends like nothing ever happened Eventually it started to get more longer i would be sent to a different class if i didn’t finish work on time or if i didn’t do homework i would be sent to that class during lunch and be forced to listen to my friends and everyone playing outside all while i’m stuck inside the other class with the students constantly staring at me their teacher pretending i’m not there i felt not just embarrassed i started to feel angry that this was happening i didn’t tell my mom anything about it because i didn’t want to end up making it more worst for me during class we were reading an article about animals being in captivity and how when they are stressed they would start doing weird things such as bobbing their heads or walking in circles or even self harming themselves and soon i then in a bit of anger stabbed myself with a pencil (The teacher wasn’t looking but someone snitched to the teacher and told her) The teacher wanted to know why i did that and i said i didn’t know (Even though i did) She kept doing the same thing with the classroom and as usual i would be forced to stay in the other class just forced to listen and eventually i started wishing i was dead because i was sick of this and at the time i was in daycare because my mom couldn’t really watch me because she works (My parents aren’t together anymore) i hated day care so much (That’s another story for next time) When i got home i was pissed off as usual and i had no one to talk to at that time and i didn’t know who to talk to so then…..self harmed just out of a fit of anger and rage and i didn’t care when my mom saw that she would threaten to take me to the hospital but i wouldn’t care i then started to slowly have feelings that my mom didn’t want me anymore and my father couldn’t take care of my himself because he’s not financially stable his family doesn’t really have a lot of patents and my mom’s side of the family is heavily religious and constantly uses god as an excuse to justify everything and i thought it would of been better if i just left all together When i came that next day i didn’t bother hiding the cuts i made they were i believe 3  or 4 slash marks that went straight down and was on the top of my arm i soon later had to talk with the school social worker because they thought that i was being abused at home when i wasn’t i lied to the social worker saying that it was because of what the teacher was saying to me when that wasn’t true but i didn’t want to say the reason why because i had a feeling she would of sided with the teacher or would see that the teacher didn’t do any sort of bad so i held my tongue and say nothing my mom was soon later getting calls from her job and during that time i had a youtube channel and i would rambling on about god knows what the school kept on calling my mom over that and later on when my mom had it with the constant calls when she came home she was mad and later on she forced me to delete it and my mom soon took me to a therapist and i talked with the lady and just lied to her because i didn’t want to stay there i didn’t want to talk i just didn’t fucking care and even when it was all over my mom didn’t trust me staying home alone so she left me with my dad for some time i was mostly asleep (It was just for the day) and during that entire time i secretly looked at porn just to numb the constant pain i would feel inside and at the time my mom didn’t put any blocks on my phone because she didn’t know i was using my phone’s internet (She later put the block on sometime later when she saw me watching a video of someone getting a massage) i then would…..well i’ll leave that to your imagination. The cats that my mom had for years watched as i started to fall apart and even when i was harming myself they would look with fear in their eyes and they would meow sometimes. when i soon reached 6th grade i wasn’t any better i was just hanging in there and hardly did anything i just hated school and just wanted to stay in bed the only time i self harmed during that time was i stabbed myself in the arm with a fork once after not harming for a few months. 7th grade was a living hell for me i would be bullied by the older students there would be rumors about me there was people in my grade who would say the most nastiest of things to me i was stalked by a group of i would say “Boys” that i think had some sort of sexual fascination with me and i just wanted to fucking loose it at that point (By then suicide wasn’t even on my mind it was just i had to get out of that situation) They almost followed me home but they fucked off after i soon threatened to call the cops i didn’t tell my mom about them because i didn’t have their names (Just thinking back i could of taken a photo of one of them but i wasn’t thinking) There was one kid that was in my grade and he would bully me so much that he would do all kinds of weird and sexual acts at me and i just laugh as in this kid is a fucking joke i didn’t see him as a threat all i saw him as was a fuck boy there was a kid in my class i’m just going to call him josh for now i known him since the 6th grade and he has anger management problems he also had a lot of family issues he lived with his grandparents because his mother left him and his father i think divorced her or something he only loved his grandmother because she actually cared for him his grandfather ehhh because during 7th grade he would tell people in school his grandfather would come home drunk and abuse his grandma and him. He would come into school with marks on his face the teachers did know and i believe the staff knew but they didn’t really bother. At first i was terrified of josh during the first few days of 6th grade someone told him that i was talking about him and he got in my face ready to hit me and i got fucking scared out of my mind my heart starting pumping and i felt like i was about to cry i got so scared. Later on when i was outside i tried to stay away from him. He soon saw me and he screamed “You’re Dead” and i went into shock i couldn’t move and all i did was try to block the hits. Everyone saw him beat the shit out of me he tried to body slam me he kicked me he punched me and i was alright because thankfully i’m taller than he is and i’m a lot more heavier then he is so he hardly did any sort of damage to me. After words it was time to go inside and my neck was entirely red and he soon cursed me out in front of the entire 6th grade and i didn’t say anything i just cried and someone soon told a dean that was outside and he got in trouble. They didn’t give him any consequences we just made up (He was crying). The counselor didn’t really help either she would sometimes help but not as much she at one point called my mother and told her that i shouldn’t be in this school because i’m not doing so well and that i should be in a “Special school” My mom declined to that thankfully. After being beaten up by josh a few times in 6th grade i changed over the vacation i started to slowly become a monster i started to slowly imagine beating the mess out of him and actually winning i would constantly punch kick and spit at the air screaming i’m going to fucking win and your not going to stop me i went nuts that year and for 7th you already know and thankfully i fought back against josh and actually kicked his ass a few times. It went to a point where he got so despraite he tried to get a gang that was within the school to turn on me and he started telling them god knows what they were looking for blood that day but thankfully a few students that were in our class knew them and so they were able to get those dudes to back off. but on the last day of school i wasn’t paying attention and he ended up punching me in the face so hard i got a black eye (Me and him were fighting) i was so angry he later left the room and then a student took his bag dumped the stuff out and then i stomped all on his books and i felt so happy for that. My mother was pissed for what happened and she wanted me to get removed from the class. And as usual i had to make up with josh. During 8th grade me and josh were calmer with one another but he still had issues with the teachers. But during all that time i was being fake to him i honestly didn’t like him but i couldn’t have just ignored him during class you have to connect and since i was hated a lot outside of class. Eventually when it the was last few days of 8th grade and we were all moving on to high school to fuck himself over again he (Josh) started talking shit about me for no reason and was looking to start a fight by now he knows that he can’t fuck with me anymore because he knows i could of fucked him up with or without help. But middle school just ended on a bitter note and i’m not going to mention more maybe i might in the future.

In the start of high school there is a kid similar to Josh but this kid was a lot more violent and on the first few days of school this kid almost tries to kill me with a fucking box cutter he brought into the school and thankfully he was at a distance from me so he couldn’t really reach me but during my time in august of 2015 i was doing tai chi and i learned a few moves and i might be able to have mixed that with the fighting i did in jr high only that i wasn’t much of a fast fighter. Later on i soon reported it and he got in trouble. I’m not going to say anymore about that kid anymore because i started to understand that he wasn’t as bad or annoying as this one girl who i’m going to go into very deep detail with. This girl i’m not going to name her plastic. So Plastic talked to me on kik for some time and she soon told me that she liked our Living Environment Teacher i was alright with it because i didn’t care but now i started to realize that this bitch had issues and she tried to destroy me but i wouldn’t let that hoe do such thing. How it started was after she told me she liked the teacher and to keep it a secret i told a friend of mine now this friend of mine doesn’t really trust anyone in school so he keeps secrets and when plastic told him he was alright with it. But what we noticed a lot was she kept repeating the same shit again and again to us and before you know it she involved another kid into it i’ll call him 88. She would tell us the sexual things she wanted to do the teacher and we were like we don’t want to hear that but she didn’t care. We would walk away from this bitch but she would follow us and i’m like bruh back off already she wouldn’t. Later on when she finally realized we didn’t want to talk to her anymore she then started to tell the deans and the counselors in the school that me, my friend (I’ll just call him Shadow), And 88 were bullying her and that we were threatening her life when we didn’t say anything to her. She then afterwords then started to make up crazy stories about us and then it got so outrageous i started to get annoyed. The admins wouldn’t believe us when we told them we never said such thing but they didn’t care (They didn’t really fuck with me because they know i would of probably started loosing my shit that day) And even before that situation my self harm came back and i would go home and i started to lash at my arm because at that time my mom didn’t believe me that these people in school were a bit abusive (I was mostly mentioning the para and the math teacher) And the counselors were brain dead fools and didn’t listen and the admins were pretty much the same so i had no one at the time to talk to execpt Shadow but even he had other things he needed to do and i didn’t really talk with 88 like that because he fucks me over sometimes and then he was really two faced so if you tell him something he goes back and would tell others so i didn’t even bother fucking with him. no one execpt everyone in school saw my cuts but no one said shit and i didn’t care but everyone knew that i was starting to mentally slip over time i got even more worst to where i started having terrible thoughts i’m not going to mention slip into my head and i would suffer nightmares that  are like what the hell and at the same time i’m in school and i’m being murdered i would sometimes wake up in pain because the nightmares got bad thankfully sometimes i would have no sort of dreams at all it would just be nothing but the inside of my eyelids. My cuts at the time were not that bad but they were bad enough to where blood would come out i would go to school in short sleeves and i didn’t bother caring what they had to say one of the teachers saw but he tried not to say anything but the looks on his face already told another story i didn’t care. I stopped when the plastic began to fucking get me and shadow and everyone in class in trouble. Plastic at one point was talking to me on kik and i said to her why are you talking to me and she told me i know you told the teacher i like her and i was like okay your point and she was like what did she (The teacher) say and i told her that’s for her to find our and for me to know and she said something like wtf she surprised. Later on Shadow wanted to talk to her and so i put them both in a group chat and i soon leave but later on i check to see what was happening and both of them were going back and forth throwing threats at each other and i was like what the hell is happening here. I look up the chat to the very top and i saw that plastic made the first threat she was saying that her sister was going to kill him (Or both of us) and then my friend said something just to creep her out and she got so mad she was saying how she wanted to slash my face open with a dagger i’m like is this bitch really trying to play me like that (She knows she can’t fight and she knows she wouldn’t dare face me like me.) Later on while she kept running her mouth i told her that shes going to get more problems if she keeps on threatening us and she then says to me that i made the first threat even though i wasn’t in the chat most of the time. I soon took screen shots and then i sent them to shadow because in case if this bitch was to try to get me in trouble i would have proof and he would have proof that she was fucking both of us over. That next day and i knew she would do it she tattled on shadow after pretty much accusing everyone. I saw shadow that morning but i didn’t see him in class i later learned that he was in the dean’s office and the dean he was with (There’s 3 in the school) was i’ll call her ms bitch. That was the same dean who threatened to call the cops on me earlier because plastic or someone told her that i was threatening to cut her head off in a sink and then…..lets just say make the school vanish When i never said that at all. Ms bitch was like i believe you but i might as well call the precent on you anyways. I was so mad at ms bitch for saying something like that i knew i didn’t trust her anyways but anyway back to shadow. He was with her for most of the day and when he soon came back he told me that they were going to expel him and i went from mad to flat out furious. I told him that they weren’t going to do such thing because i’m going to make sure he won’t be expelled. I looked at plastic with a death stare and told her this is all your fucking fault. It was almost as if she didn’t know or realize she did anything. I had to skip class because i needed to tell them what happened. Shadow told me that he showed ms bitch the screen shots but she said to him that it didn’t count as evidence. And you could say that shadow was lying but i knew he wasn’t because he wouldn’t lie to me like that and then knowing the admins they would say something like that and i was fired up i ready to face all of them. I tried talking to the principle but he was ignoring me (He was talking to someone else anyways). And since there was no dean i had no other options and i had to go to the counselor and i didn’t really want to bother with her because she was saying how i have anger management problems when i don’t and then she described me as a narcissistic person when i cared more for shadow than myself. I didn’t want shadow to get expelled because he was my only real friend and i loved him deeply. I didn’t want to be alone again i was lonely and seen as a freak for most of my life and i wasn’t going to fucking loose him to this bitch. I soon ran into him into the hallway and we both went to the counselor and we told her what has been happening all day and i showed her the screen shots and she had doubt they were real because she said “But plastic doesn’t say things like this” and we explained to her that she doesn’t do this while you or other adults are around but she does this when no one’s watching her. i then told her (The counselor) something along the lines of “How come every time we report Plastic you do nothing but if she reports us your ready to call the cops the fire department and every sort of protection agency for her.” she then gave me some bullshit that because plastic isn’t stronger, faster or tougher than us shes more believable  and then she said “So it’s only natural that we target you” From those words i gave up on the school system all together i never felt so cheated like this before and the bitch ms bitch walks her ass into the guidance office and when she saw me she knew she fucked up at that point. Someone in the school called shadows mother up and his mom came to the school and lets just say she looked pissed. I was then told to walk back to class and i did. I soon later learn from the students in class that Plastic tried to turn them all against me. Thankfully they didn’t believe her but i was so worn out after that battle. When i went home i started crying because i thought Shadow would of been kicked out of our school either way and i was scared that was going to be alone again i fucking tried to keep it together. The next day i saw him and i ran to him as fast as i could. Turns out he wasn’t getting kicked out they dropped it after me and his mother backed him all the way up and they knew they would dug a bigger hole if they got rid of him Because if they was going to expel him they were going to expel me because there was no way in hell i would let him be alone anymore. Plastic still tried to get the class in trouble then she told the guidance counselor how i was threatening to hurt a teacher i was like to the counselor Do we really have to go through this again. The counselor knew i wouldn’t say anything like that because i’m not that violent of a person and i wouldn’t hurt the teacher. This teacher actually made school a bit fun for me and actually didn’t care if students cursed because the other teachers throw hissy fits and threaten to call your parents just because you would say the word Fuck. That year then soon ended and i felt so much better afterwords and over that time i thought of transferring schools because i was wrong about that school if i had known i would of been put through that i wouldn’t have applied

And even today i still feel cheated because i wasted over 2 years of my life at that school.

Don’t worry about me ii’m still standing and during this year i went to a psychiatrist and i talked with a therapist so now i’m fine and i’m transferring to another school for September of this year and i feel happy that i’m free from all that crap and stress but at the same time i feel regretful because i left Shadow behind and i just feel bad that i was able to transfer and he wasn’t. He could of transferred but his mother didn’t want him to and i wouldn’t blame her because my mom didn’t want to transfer me out either because the other schools are even more worst and to top it all off they are filled with so much gang activity there has to be constant police over there outside the school cause students would run out and then there would have to be scanners when you walk into the building because students would bring weapons in (Students would do that for any school but i’m just saying.) As for now i’m just trying to distress myself and i’m preparing for summer school and i’m slowly starting to be hopeful and at least i’ll be able to see shadow again before school starts back up and at least we’ll be in contact with one another on instagram so i feel kind of thankful for that.

Update: I made this over 2 days ago and i didn’t want release it because i felt a bit nervous that someone would judge me for the things i had to do but i did what needed to be done. 


2 thoughts on “How my Depression And Self Harm started (Story Time And The Aftermath)

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience so in depth. Excuse my language but that is bullshit how the school handled the situation. I’m sure they deal with a lot and have a lot on their hands but what the counselor said to you is down right unfair and unwise. I wish you the best in your new school and this next year. I really, really pray it is a better situation for you. I was bullied growing up but no where near the extent you speak of. Please, stay strong, find your center and stay connected, and if you ever need to, reach out. It seems like you do a great job of using this platform to release all that could build up from enduring all of that stress. Best to you

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s